Don't ever doubt God

The end of this month and the beginning of next is really rough financially. We're in a very weird spot right now. Jarrod cannot go back to work even if he could because we are still waiting for the approval of SSDI. We're collecting disability as of now and they will discontinue paying you if you go back to work. SSDI has a return to work program but they still haven't given us an approval or disapproval--it's been 4 months now. I also have not worked lately so there's been no extra income. It's been rough. We've been praying and waiting, praying and waiting. Nothing. We'd go through doubt and thoughts like "What are we doing wrong?!" I'd even think things like "Ok, God where are you? You said you'd take care of us and I'm still waiting." Ew, what a brat. Doesn't that sound so ugly?! I then realized I calculated things wrong and we were in even MORE need than I thought before. GREAT. I thought things would get better, not worse! We thought about doing a yard sale, selling things on Ebay, and tapping into our savings.We've been stressed about it and have tried to think of everything we could do. We even decided to have me go back to work M-F which is SUCH a difficult thing for me to do right now. I want to cry just thinking about it. I start Sep 5th but it won't be in enough time to pay the bills due before that paycheck. God's been speaking to us about seeking HIS kingdom and righteousness FIRST and everything we need will be taken care of. For me personally, He's been teaching me that it's NOT ABOUT ME. My daily prayer has been more of Him and less of ME. We get so caught up in ME, ME, ME. That's why we worry so much. We're too caught up in ourselves. I didn't think I was. I thought I had a justifiable excuse to worry. "Well, my family needs to eat. I need to pay the water bill so we have water to drink and be able to take baths." Jesus said: Matthew 6:25-34 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

You read that and it speaks to you for a minute. Then you remember your bills, gas to put in your car, food for your family, clothes for your constantly growing children, etc. and you doubt those words.

Jarrod received a call late last night that he missed. If any of you know Jarrod you know that he doesn't answer his phone or return phone calls. For some reason he called back this unknown number. It was a guy from men's ministry who wanted to know if he was going to come this morning to church. I don't think jarrod planned on going but because someone thought enough of him to call he decided to go. He came home from church a little late this morning but came back with an iced coffee and a card for ME. I opened the card and it was from Jarrod. It was a sweet lovey dovey card and at the end he put "God is faithful to provide. Thank you Jesus." Inside the envelope was a check for the EXACT amount we needed for the rest of August's bills. Hello, tears!

Being a Christian doesn't mean life becomes perfect and sweet and you turn into this positive little fairy. God even says he sends rain on the just and the unjust. BUT He promises to take care of His beloved children. He doesn't want us to be anxious and worried. He wants us to come to Him, give Him our worries, and trust Him that He will come through IN HIS TIMING.

I pray that I, WE never forget that He ALWAYS comes through for us. I pray that I stop myself when tempted to focus on ME again. He loves us more than we can even fathom.

Unexpected Tears

Today was a busy day. This morning we drove to Brea to get the hand controls installed in our car (WOOHOO!). We waited a good 4 hours but it was oh so worth it. Jarrod can't legally drive it yet though. He needs to take the DMV tests first. He had a hearing with a DMV officer on Monday where he basically had to tell and show them he is who he says he is and that he is telling the truth about his condition. Right, like anyone would gain anything by lying about a story like this. After that we had a check up with his neurosurgeon. I really just expected to go in and go out like we do at most of his appointments. I was actually annoyed because the doctor had a student "surgeon(?)" with him, following him around. She kept nodding her head and saying "absolutely" when there was no reason for that adverb. I started spacing out as they were speaking in doctor tongue and I had a flashback of the first time we sat in that room. I remembered the anxiety we felt of not knowing what to expect and not even knowing what exactly was wrong with Jarrod. I remembered the shock that hit us when he said "malignant tumor." I remember the uncontrollable tears that bursted out when I saw my husband, my best friend, and my rock cry and ask questions like "Is this cancer? Am I going to be paralyzed?" I remembered the fear that made me feel like throwing up. I remembered the sadness. There we were 8 months later with the same surgeon that brought us the devastating news now saying "The recent MRI has no sign of tumor and everything looks great." Jarrod even asked him how he thinks his progression is going and he responded by saying "Well look at you--you're walking. You're doing great." He's walking. I felt a tidal wave of tears well up and try to burst it's way through but I was fighting it. I saved it for the car ride ride home. My walking miracle is walking with a cane, yes, but his legs are mobile and he is getting stronger. The surgeon couldn't guarantee us that in that first meeting. He couldn't guarantee he would be able to take out all of the tumor, or if he would make it out alive, or if he would become a paraplegic or not, or if it would ever come back--NOTHING. There he was standing upright with his cane against the wall, listening to the words "No sign of tumor." I did not expect to get this emotional. It was just a check up. I was reminded again of how serious this really is. You almost forget about it as you get busy with daily life. I was reminded of where we could have been. I was reminded of God's faithfulness and incredible grace to spare us from living a much more difficult life and sparing ME from being alone. I was reminded of the miracle. I was reminded of my husband's attitude to fight hard. I was reminded of how God and our surgeon changed our lives forever. We are loved by an incredible God who continues to prove Himself and His love for us through His miracles, His grace, His mysterious way of turning our sadness into joy, and through wonderful people who continue to love on us. We're more than grateful for where we are right now. I'm so glad I didn't walk out of that doctors office the same busy Nicole. I'm glad I was REMINDED to appreciate life, God, and the gracious treasures He has lovingly given us. Help me Lord to never forget this.

God lovingly provides

"He loves us. Ohhhh how he loves us. Ohhhh how he loves us. Ohhhh how he loooooves..." That song continues to play over and over in my head. God again has shown His faithfulness by giving us the finances to get the hand controls installed in our car. He never gets tired of taking care of us. Originally we just wanted it to help Jarrod gain more independence, go back to work, and to take himself to his appointments. I didn't realize exactly what God did when He gave us the last amount needed to reach the goal.

We had several hundred to go and the fundraising site had been quiet for a few days. Honestly, I was starting to think it just wasn't time yet. Today when we received the amount needed, I broke down and just cried. I felt like a GIGANTIC weight was lifted off my shoulders. It may not seem like a huge deal but for me driving is just not my friend. Before the surgery, the only time I would really drive is around town and maybe to the beach. Otherwise Jarrod ALWAYS drove. I get road rage and anxiety when I drive. It's really very stressful for me. Plus, even just getting the family out the door to start doesn't help set the mood for my driving experience. We're late to everything we go to which adds to the stress as well. Long drives home are awful because after a long day at wherever we're at the girls fall asleep in the car which gives them energy when we stop and I want to nap. I didn't realize how much driving really affected me until we received that last amount needed for Jarrod's hand controls. I would pray for the hand controls for JARROD. God oh so lovingly gave me a huge embrace saying "Nicole, just come to me. I know even without you telling me that you've been weary and burdened. I will give you rest." (Matt 11:28). And here is where I cry and the guitar starts to play and we sing "He loves us. Ohhhh how He loves us..."

Thank you, Jesus.

We also want to thank those of you who have prayed for us and who have contributed. We are MORE than grateful for you. You have blessed us more than we can describe. Your support, friendship, and prayers are so treasured. We love you!

Fundraiser for Jarrod's Vehicle Hand Controls

Fundraiser for Jarrod's Vehicle Hand Controls

Fundraiser for Jarrod's Vehicle Hand Controls

We created a fundraiser through "Fundrazr" and Paypal to raise money for Jarrod's vehicle hand controls. Please follow the link to read the "whys" and prayerfully consider or just continue to keep this request in your prayers. Thank you all. We love you! http://fnd.us/c/5Koy1

Another Chapter Finished

Radiation is finally FINISHED! The nurses and doctors even gave Jarrod a cute little certificate of completion and balloons. I wanted to take a picture but I didn't want to embarress him and make him feel like a little kid graduating from elementary school or something. He really hasn't had any side effects from the radiation. He's been a tad tired but nothing that hinders his daily life. His skin in that area where the radiation hit is tan but nothing else really. We're so grateful he hasn't experienced anything else. There was a list of possible side effects but he hasn't experienced any of them, thank God. We want to thank the awesome men of Calvary Chapel Chino Hills who gave up a couple hours each week to take Jarrod to get his radiation. We're so grateful for you guys!

Sadly, our home health rehab group is also finished with us too. We developed friendships with his occupational therapist, physical therapist, and social worker. I fought back tears when each one left. They became such a major part of our everyday life for awhile. They helped push and give us the confidence we now have. We will miss them. We ARE happy though that they felt comfortable enough to end therapy with us. They felt Jarrod was at a good enough place where we didn't need them anymore. That in itself is a huge encouragement.

Jarrod is now walking around in public with a straight cane and at home with NOTHING AT ALL. He's been doing so much lately. During his last week of physical therapy with Rehab Without Walls, his physical therapist took him to a few trails around Chino Hills to prepare him for our weekend of camping where there was a trail to get down to the beach from the camp site. We went last weekend and he did amazing. HE packed up the car with our stuff, unloaded, packed it back in the car when we were leaving and unloaded again at home. He's also been doing things to push himself like having me park farther when we go places so he can walk more. The home health therapists also left him with the ability to take care of BOTH of the girls while I'm not there. They really wanted to make sure he achieved that before they ended. He has accomplished it wonderfully. Of course he still puts the girls shirts on backwards or puts Amariah's outfit on Hannah or forgets a dirty diaper on the side of the couch but I think that's just a man thing. He would do that regardless. ;) I even went back to work (hopefully for JUST the summer) as a sub and he takes care of the girls while I am gone. I'm amazed at how far he's come. For awhile he struggled because he couldn't do a lot of things. Jarrod is such a hard worker--a true manly man so to not be able to do things around the house that a man normally does was really difficult for him especially when I had to be the one to do it. I am such a girly girl. I was the one that never did sports or never went in the backyard because it had bugs. Watching me do things because he couldn't was weird, difficult, and funny all at the same time. Now he's doing almost everything. The other day I came home with a car load of groceries. I came in to bring the first load and went back and there he was with the rest of the groceries on both arms. My manly man. How I have waited for this. I'm tearing up as I write this. I was never sure if he would ever return to "normal." I wasn't sure if I would forever have to be the "stronger" one to do all the "man" work. I'm not wired that way and he's not wired to watch me be that. He's not completely back to "normal" but he is learning new ways to do things. I'm so proud of him. He hasn't given into self pity. He hasn't given up. He doesn't allow himself to be stagnant or idle. He is a fighter and to me a winner and my hero.

We successfully ended another chapter and are gearing up for yet another one. Pray God guides us and continues to give us strength and wisdom. There are some decisions coming up that we need to make so we'd appreciate your prayers. Pray for continued healing and recovery. Pray God continues to shape us and our girls through this time in our life and always. Pray He continues to use us and our story to help and encourage people. Pray for continued provision. Thank you!

1 down, 24 more to go...

We just went through our first radiation appointment. Jarrod is now glowing and we can channel in different radio stations. HA! He feels fine but the doctor said he really won't feel the side effects for about a week or two which I think is great since he only is going for 5 weeks. Our pastor set up a volunteer driver schedule for us through the men's ministry at church and was able to get a ride for him for everyday. We're so thankful for that! Saves us money since we'll be paying co-pay for each day that he goes in for radiation. Also saves me from having to load the two munchkins in the car for just a 5 minute procedure.

Jarrod is continuing to progress wonderfully. He has been using the cane and is doing very well on it. He's also been walking around the house more without anything at all. Our rehab group has really been encouraging him to be more independent. They even tell me to stop doing certain things for him and let him do it. It has really built up confidence in him which is helping him do a lot more. He does the dishes everyday, planted a small garden, makes lunch, changes diapers, helps pick up Hannah's messes, and other things here and there. The rehab group is also helping him learn to problem solve, especially with the girls. They want him to get to the point where he can take care of the girls for a couple hours without me. He's doing really well. He could take care of Hannah with a breeze. Amariah is a little more work but he's figuring it out. He puts her in the single stroller to "carry" her around. Another goal they have for him is to walk with the cane a full mile without rest. He's doing about a half mile right now. A couple weeks ago we met his physical therapist and occupational therapist at an outdoor mall. They wanted him to practice doing things like walking, crossing streets, carry his food tray, take Hannah around by holding her hand and the cane, etc. He accomplished all! He even took Hannah on the carousel AND squeezed those grasshopper legs of his into a kiddie train with her. It was lots of fun and even more fun to watch. He's doing great.

The radiation MIGHT make him a bit tired and MIGHT slow him down in his progress but it's not a guaranteed thing. It might have no effect on him whatsoever. Be praying for that. There are some people who have been against the radiation. It's been a little discouraging. We're nervous about it enough as it is. Knowing though that it decreases the chance of the tumor coming back by FIFTY percent helps us to feel more confident in our decision. It's not as if he had the tumor in his hand or foot. It was in his SPINAL CORD. The spinal cord deals with his entire body. It's not something where we can say "Oh well. Let's schedule another surgery." We feel at peace with doing the radiation. We're doing the best that we can, prayerfully making the best decisions that we can, and the rest is up to God. Our lives are in His hands. We wouldn't have it any other way.

We're so thankful for those of you that have continued to stand by us. We appreciate the prayers, the financial blessings, the encouragement, and everything else. We love you!