Friday, December 30, 2011
Some pics since Jarrod's been home
Since I haven't had much time to update, thought I'd post some pictures real quick. Update soon to come...
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
In the middle of an uphill road
I apologize for not being consistent with my updates. Time just seems to go way too fast.
Jarrod is making incredible progress. I don't even know where to begin. He is now able to get off his bed to his walker or wheelchair without using his upper body strength or even by holding on with his hands. He is now able to use his leg strength. He wheels around the halls like he's training for the Olympics. He's also been WALKING the halls with his walker. Before, the physical therapist had to hold on to him a bit but she is now able to let him do it. He still gets very tired from walking that distance but he is becoming more and more indpendent. They even put a sign on his door telling the nurses that they can allow him to walk/wheel to his bathroom. His left leg is still a bit weaker than his right. It shakes a bit when he puts pressure on his left foot. He's also having a bit of a struggle with figuring out how to move his hips as he walks. It's amazing how you don't realize how much of your body you actually use to do simple things such as walking. Keep those things in your prayers. Your prayers are being heard and are totally being blessed. Jarrod is making great improvements. I see us so close to the top of that hill. You know what happens when you get to the top though, right? You celebrate your accomplishment and WHOOOSH you slide back down. That slide down is coming quick! Jarrod will be discharged on Tuesday the 20th (YAY before Christmas!) but don't think we'll be resting when that happens. He'll have to immediately start radiation everyday and rehab 3 times a week. Hi, did I mention I'm about 20 months pregnant? I also have to see my doctor once a week until the baby comes. It is going to get CRAZY over here.
We ARE so thankful though that baby Amariah is still nice and cozy in my belly. She's not out yet. We thought she would be because of how busy I have been and how much I am on my feet. I saw the doctor today and I am not dialated yet. I'm about 50% effaced but cervix is still closed. She's waiting for daddy to come home. She's just not waiting patiently. She's been throwing little fits in here, hurting mommy because she wants OUT. I think she's also trying to tell mama to REST. Everyone is telling me to rest. God is telling me to rest. Am I listening? No. How can I?! There's too much to do and not enough time to get it all done. Yes, i need to learn to let people help and I have been a good girl and have. It's not easy but I really have no choice. It has been such a blessing actually to have so many people be willing and able to help. It's like God attached 20 more hands and feet to my body. There are things though that I've held on to and haven't let people do. Sometimes it's just easier to do it yourself (it's really not but I haven't admitted it to myself yet, sssh). I had a bit of a melt down yesterday. I was just overwhelmed. I was crying out to God, just telling him I want REST. I NEED rest. Sometimes I feel as though I have to help people help me which makes it more difficult and I don't really get that rest. I told the Lord I want REAL rest, not the "answer 50 million phone calls and make another 50 million phone calls and schedule this or that and do this or that" kind of rest. That has been my "rest" lately and I'm not a fan of it. I kept saying. "ok God, you said 'Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest'. Well, i'm still waiting. Make it happen, Lord. You're the one that said it."
What a brat I am. I received a phone call today from a man from the men's ministry at church. He and another man from church wanted to come over to check out our house and see what we would need for Jarrod when he comes home. This man has been in a wheel chair since he was 15 years old. He wanted to bless us and point out to the other man who worked in construction for over 25 years what we would need. He wanted to know a good time for them to come over and I mentioned I had a doctor's appointment today so it would have to be after then. He then wanted to pray for me. Now, I have never met this man. He didn't know who I was. I didn't vomit my life story on him or even give him a hint of what I've been feeling inside. All he knew was I was the wife of a guy from church who just had surgery and can't quite walk yet. He prayed for my appointment that it would go well, of course but then he went in a different direction. He then started to pray that I wouldn't worry anymore and to trust in Jehovah Jireh (GOD PROVIDER), Jehovah Rafa(sp?) (GOD HEALER). He prayed that I would REST in Christ. He prayed that I would "seek FIRST his kingdom and righteousness" and all the things I've been worrying about would be taken care of. He prayed that my day would so be filled with the love and joy of Jesus. His prayer was PERFECT. I couldn't help but cry. It was exactly what I needed. It was the prayer I needed. I also needed that little spanking of remembering to "seek HIS kingdom and righteousness FIRST." THAT is why I haven't been getting the rest I so desperately need. I've been too busy thinking about what needs to get done, making lists of this and that, going here, going there, spending time with Hannah, spending time with Jarrod, etc etc etc. I have my quick little prayer/Bible time when I wake up and before I go to bed but I haven't had that deep intimate time with the Lord where I just REST in him and just soak up His peace. I've been too much of a Martha and not a Mary. For those of you that don't know what I'm talking about, read Luke 10:38-42. It's in the New Testament in the Holy Bible. Great story, please read it.
REST. Something so needed and wanted but something extremely difficult to genuinely do. Who thought that would be one of my biggest challenges? It's a hard one to learn. I'm getting there. I still need that slap with a ruler occassionally, which I have been getting with these pains from the baby and loved ones giving me that look of disapproval.
It's almost midnight and I need to get some REST for my new day tomorrow of learning how to REST (and still get things done at the same time...I'm such a human).
Jarrod is making incredible progress. I don't even know where to begin. He is now able to get off his bed to his walker or wheelchair without using his upper body strength or even by holding on with his hands. He is now able to use his leg strength. He wheels around the halls like he's training for the Olympics. He's also been WALKING the halls with his walker. Before, the physical therapist had to hold on to him a bit but she is now able to let him do it. He still gets very tired from walking that distance but he is becoming more and more indpendent. They even put a sign on his door telling the nurses that they can allow him to walk/wheel to his bathroom. His left leg is still a bit weaker than his right. It shakes a bit when he puts pressure on his left foot. He's also having a bit of a struggle with figuring out how to move his hips as he walks. It's amazing how you don't realize how much of your body you actually use to do simple things such as walking. Keep those things in your prayers. Your prayers are being heard and are totally being blessed. Jarrod is making great improvements. I see us so close to the top of that hill. You know what happens when you get to the top though, right? You celebrate your accomplishment and WHOOOSH you slide back down. That slide down is coming quick! Jarrod will be discharged on Tuesday the 20th (YAY before Christmas!) but don't think we'll be resting when that happens. He'll have to immediately start radiation everyday and rehab 3 times a week. Hi, did I mention I'm about 20 months pregnant? I also have to see my doctor once a week until the baby comes. It is going to get CRAZY over here.
We ARE so thankful though that baby Amariah is still nice and cozy in my belly. She's not out yet. We thought she would be because of how busy I have been and how much I am on my feet. I saw the doctor today and I am not dialated yet. I'm about 50% effaced but cervix is still closed. She's waiting for daddy to come home. She's just not waiting patiently. She's been throwing little fits in here, hurting mommy because she wants OUT. I think she's also trying to tell mama to REST. Everyone is telling me to rest. God is telling me to rest. Am I listening? No. How can I?! There's too much to do and not enough time to get it all done. Yes, i need to learn to let people help and I have been a good girl and have. It's not easy but I really have no choice. It has been such a blessing actually to have so many people be willing and able to help. It's like God attached 20 more hands and feet to my body. There are things though that I've held on to and haven't let people do. Sometimes it's just easier to do it yourself (it's really not but I haven't admitted it to myself yet, sssh). I had a bit of a melt down yesterday. I was just overwhelmed. I was crying out to God, just telling him I want REST. I NEED rest. Sometimes I feel as though I have to help people help me which makes it more difficult and I don't really get that rest. I told the Lord I want REAL rest, not the "answer 50 million phone calls and make another 50 million phone calls and schedule this or that and do this or that" kind of rest. That has been my "rest" lately and I'm not a fan of it. I kept saying. "ok God, you said 'Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest'. Well, i'm still waiting. Make it happen, Lord. You're the one that said it."
What a brat I am. I received a phone call today from a man from the men's ministry at church. He and another man from church wanted to come over to check out our house and see what we would need for Jarrod when he comes home. This man has been in a wheel chair since he was 15 years old. He wanted to bless us and point out to the other man who worked in construction for over 25 years what we would need. He wanted to know a good time for them to come over and I mentioned I had a doctor's appointment today so it would have to be after then. He then wanted to pray for me. Now, I have never met this man. He didn't know who I was. I didn't vomit my life story on him or even give him a hint of what I've been feeling inside. All he knew was I was the wife of a guy from church who just had surgery and can't quite walk yet. He prayed for my appointment that it would go well, of course but then he went in a different direction. He then started to pray that I wouldn't worry anymore and to trust in Jehovah Jireh (GOD PROVIDER), Jehovah Rafa(sp?) (GOD HEALER). He prayed that I would REST in Christ. He prayed that I would "seek FIRST his kingdom and righteousness" and all the things I've been worrying about would be taken care of. He prayed that my day would so be filled with the love and joy of Jesus. His prayer was PERFECT. I couldn't help but cry. It was exactly what I needed. It was the prayer I needed. I also needed that little spanking of remembering to "seek HIS kingdom and righteousness FIRST." THAT is why I haven't been getting the rest I so desperately need. I've been too busy thinking about what needs to get done, making lists of this and that, going here, going there, spending time with Hannah, spending time with Jarrod, etc etc etc. I have my quick little prayer/Bible time when I wake up and before I go to bed but I haven't had that deep intimate time with the Lord where I just REST in him and just soak up His peace. I've been too much of a Martha and not a Mary. For those of you that don't know what I'm talking about, read Luke 10:38-42. It's in the New Testament in the Holy Bible. Great story, please read it.
REST. Something so needed and wanted but something extremely difficult to genuinely do. Who thought that would be one of my biggest challenges? It's a hard one to learn. I'm getting there. I still need that slap with a ruler occassionally, which I have been getting with these pains from the baby and loved ones giving me that look of disapproval.
It's almost midnight and I need to get some REST for my new day tomorrow of learning how to REST (and still get things done at the same time...I'm such a human).
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
The Road of Recovery and Victory
I'm so sorry for not updating as often as I'd like. In the rare moments that I get to just sit and breath, I like to actually enjoy it and be able to sit and breath.
Jarrod has made MAJOR progress since I last wrote which was about a week ago. Since then he has been changing his own clothes, he's been moving himself from his bed to his wheelchair or comode WITHOUT the slideboard, a few days ago they used special tools and machines to help him stand, yesterday he lifted his legs one at a time while standing with a walker, and today he took 3 sets of 6 steps with the walker!!! The physical therapists and nurses are so encouraged by him, not only because of his amazing progress but also because of his amazing attitude and determination. He's doing so well in fact that they moved him to the furthest room on the floor. He's becoming more independent that he doesn't need to be so close to the nurses now. His new room is actually quite nice. You could fit two beds in there, a recliner, and some chairs. He even has his own private bathroom. He has the "deluxe suite." That first week was incredibly rough. We went through so many moments of agony and defeat but now we're starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It feels like it has been forever but when you really look at it that dark tunnel was actually not that long. We're not finished going through it yet but at least we can see the light which tells us that there will be an end to this dark tunnel. We are so ECSTATIC! We still are aware that this will be a long road but we are rejoicing in these awesome moments of victory. Hand us the loin cloths 'cause we're gonna dance like David! (For those of you that don't know that Bible story, David was a man of God who rejoiced like a maniac in his "linen ephod" when the ark of the Lord came to him 2 Samuel 6:1-23).
We have to give all glory and honor to Jesus Christ for these awesome accomplishments. We could have easily fallen into the pit of despair which would have kept us from trying and progressing. For a short while, things were not looking so great. We could have given up, thrown a pity party, and just let the nurses and pain killers do the work. There are many people who fall into that. God had a different plan in mind. Our wonderful neighbor Lynda had a great idea of asking people for verses of encouragement so that we could print them and paste them all over Jarrod's room. They were all awesome and encouraging verses but there are two that stood out the most and has helped us get through those challenging times. The first one is Psalm 4:1 "Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; have mercy on me and hear my prayer." The second is Isaiah 40:29-31"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." We've clung to those verses as one would cling to a lifesaver in the middle of an ocean.
I just wrote an email to someone saying that as much as I hate going through trials I can say at the same time I love them because of what God does in them. It's amazing to not only see His hand at work but to feel it and experience it for myself. You always hear and read "Jesus loves you" so much that it almost loses it's meaning. I can honestly say that even I can get annoyed when someone says that to me because it's become so cheesy. It's so much different when you are going through a difficult time and you actually EXPERIENCE Christ's love coming through for you. We have totally been experiencing His love just embracing us and carrying us through this time through other people, through the comfort of His perfect Word (the Bible), through victories and accomplishments, and through simple ways like a stranger ahead of me in the Starbuck's drive thru paying for my order. God is shaping for us an amazing testimony. It's a great thing but a scary thing as well because that means we have to be faithful in sharing that testimony. Jarrod's already starting. He plans to wheel around the 4th floor to every room tomorrow, listen to people's problems, and share with them the love of Christ. GOSH, I love him! I can't tell you enough what a blessed girl I am to have him as my best friend AND husband. As difficult as this time is, I'm so happy that it's me God chose to share this with him. I can tell you one thing, our marriage and relationship has grown so much stronger and has matured through all of this. So many couples go through life just...going through life. As time passes, they lose that excitement and that "mushy gush" you had when you were dating. It's normal. Life happens. But WHOOOOAH BABY, when God's got the reigns, hold on tight because He'll take you through adventures that not only make you cling to Him but cling to your spouse--your best friend and lover and sparks fly and babies are made! ;)
Jarrod has made MAJOR progress since I last wrote which was about a week ago. Since then he has been changing his own clothes, he's been moving himself from his bed to his wheelchair or comode WITHOUT the slideboard, a few days ago they used special tools and machines to help him stand, yesterday he lifted his legs one at a time while standing with a walker, and today he took 3 sets of 6 steps with the walker!!! The physical therapists and nurses are so encouraged by him, not only because of his amazing progress but also because of his amazing attitude and determination. He's doing so well in fact that they moved him to the furthest room on the floor. He's becoming more independent that he doesn't need to be so close to the nurses now. His new room is actually quite nice. You could fit two beds in there, a recliner, and some chairs. He even has his own private bathroom. He has the "deluxe suite." That first week was incredibly rough. We went through so many moments of agony and defeat but now we're starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It feels like it has been forever but when you really look at it that dark tunnel was actually not that long. We're not finished going through it yet but at least we can see the light which tells us that there will be an end to this dark tunnel. We are so ECSTATIC! We still are aware that this will be a long road but we are rejoicing in these awesome moments of victory. Hand us the loin cloths 'cause we're gonna dance like David! (For those of you that don't know that Bible story, David was a man of God who rejoiced like a maniac in his "linen ephod" when the ark of the Lord came to him 2 Samuel 6:1-23).
We have to give all glory and honor to Jesus Christ for these awesome accomplishments. We could have easily fallen into the pit of despair which would have kept us from trying and progressing. For a short while, things were not looking so great. We could have given up, thrown a pity party, and just let the nurses and pain killers do the work. There are many people who fall into that. God had a different plan in mind. Our wonderful neighbor Lynda had a great idea of asking people for verses of encouragement so that we could print them and paste them all over Jarrod's room. They were all awesome and encouraging verses but there are two that stood out the most and has helped us get through those challenging times. The first one is Psalm 4:1 "Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; have mercy on me and hear my prayer." The second is Isaiah 40:29-31"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." We've clung to those verses as one would cling to a lifesaver in the middle of an ocean.
I just wrote an email to someone saying that as much as I hate going through trials I can say at the same time I love them because of what God does in them. It's amazing to not only see His hand at work but to feel it and experience it for myself. You always hear and read "Jesus loves you" so much that it almost loses it's meaning. I can honestly say that even I can get annoyed when someone says that to me because it's become so cheesy. It's so much different when you are going through a difficult time and you actually EXPERIENCE Christ's love coming through for you. We have totally been experiencing His love just embracing us and carrying us through this time through other people, through the comfort of His perfect Word (the Bible), through victories and accomplishments, and through simple ways like a stranger ahead of me in the Starbuck's drive thru paying for my order. God is shaping for us an amazing testimony. It's a great thing but a scary thing as well because that means we have to be faithful in sharing that testimony. Jarrod's already starting. He plans to wheel around the 4th floor to every room tomorrow, listen to people's problems, and share with them the love of Christ. GOSH, I love him! I can't tell you enough what a blessed girl I am to have him as my best friend AND husband. As difficult as this time is, I'm so happy that it's me God chose to share this with him. I can tell you one thing, our marriage and relationship has grown so much stronger and has matured through all of this. So many couples go through life just...going through life. As time passes, they lose that excitement and that "mushy gush" you had when you were dating. It's normal. Life happens. But WHOOOOAH BABY, when God's got the reigns, hold on tight because He'll take you through adventures that not only make you cling to Him but cling to your spouse--your best friend and lover and sparks fly and babies are made! ;)
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Happy Thanksgiving
I'm not sure if the picture I put on here will show up but this picture of Jarrod and Hannah really explains our whole day. If you were to tell me a month ago that our Thanksgiving would be spent in a hospital, I would have been devastated. We LOVE Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's our favorite time of year. I love cooking and baking, decorating our home, putting out the seasonal "smell goods" as Jarrod calls them, picking out our tree the day after Thanksgiving, having warm cookies and hot cocoa ready after putting up the Christmas lights, etc. Every Fall we get so excited for this time of year and all the fun little things we do. This year is so much different. Jarrod is still in the hospital and as soon as he comes home it will be my turn when I deliver Amariah. From the outside, it seems so sad. As we are going through it, I can honestly say this was THE best Thanksgiving we've ever had. Going through a difficulty really makes you more grateful and appreciative. I felt like our Thanksgiving actually had meaning this year. Usually we try so hard to think of something creative to do to express our thankfulness--go around the room and say what you're thankful for, pray for the person to the left of you, and all those other things to try to make this holiday more meaningful. This year it just came natural. I brought Hannah to see Jarrod for the first time since he had his surgery. It was such an emotional moment. All we could do was break down and cry. We had such a beautiful time together, just the three of us, as we sit cuddled up in that hospital bed. Jarrod was also able to (with SOME help of course) move himself into a wheelchair--another HUGE accomplishment! We all got to take a nice stroll around the GORGEOUS walkways and gardens of Huntington Memorial.
I could go on and on about all the wonderful moments we had together but I'll end here so I can catch up on my z's. The hardest part of having such a blessed day like this is when we have to leave and face another night away from each other. It's going to be a rough one but I need to just keep thinking about all the accomplishments Jarrod's been making (with Christ's strength) and look forward to the day when he gets to come home. I can't wait! If we weren't already pregnant you know there would be another baby on the way after our reunion! ;)
I could go on and on about all the wonderful moments we had together but I'll end here so I can catch up on my z's. The hardest part of having such a blessed day like this is when we have to leave and face another night away from each other. It's going to be a rough one but I need to just keep thinking about all the accomplishments Jarrod's been making (with Christ's strength) and look forward to the day when he gets to come home. I can't wait! If we weren't already pregnant you know there would be another baby on the way after our reunion! ;)
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Waiting for the sunrise
Jarrod has been making awesome progress. He had his first (short) physical therapy session on Monday. They tried to help him stand but he's not at that point yet. His legs have been moving more though. His left leg has been weaker than his right but just yesterday he was able to bend it on his own. That was a major accomplishment. I was so proud of him. I felt like running up and down the halls and doing cart wheels but this gigantic belly of mine kept me at just a "WOOHOO" with my hands dancing in the air. He's trying to start doing everything on his own now. He's been feeding himself with no problem and has even been moving side to side instead of the nurses log rolling him as they were before. He's fighting and fighting hard. He's not one to feel sorry for himself.
We've had some great moments of triumph but we've also had our difficult moments of defeat. He's not just dealing with trying to gain feeling and movement back in his legs but he's also having to deal with gaining all the other "bodily functions" if you know what I mean. It's been very frustrating for him. It's hard enough having to deal with not walking and moving around the same. Having to struggle with gaining strength to be able to do what we do so naturally (potty) is just an annoying road block. I walked into his room today and I could tell he was upset. I asked him what was going on and he said "I'm so frustrated. I just wanna walk!" Thankfully Pastor Lin and his wife came by that night. They prayed with us and encouraged him that this is JUST day 5. Their visit was very encouraging for him. After his dinner, I gave him a sponge bath, did his hair, and sprayed that icky room with air freshener. I just wanted the night to feel "new" and fresh. I wanted him to feel refreshed physically after being refreshed spiritually/mentally. It really did help. His demeanor was completely different from when I first walked into his room.
By the way, he'll be going to a rehab hospital tomorrow...well actually it's today since it's already almost 1am. This is a victory and defeat at the same time. We're so ecstatic that he will be starting rehab already. It's so many steps closer to our goal of recovery and WALKING. Now here's where the big BUT comes in...the hospital he is being sent to is not close. It's about 45 minutes away from home with no traffic.
I went home tonight feeling okay. I started talking things over with my parents about the things on my mind and what was going on. I started realizing that we really are on a difficult and LONG road. I've been so strong and so positive for Jarrod this whole time. When he's gotten frustrated or worried I've been able to support him with encouragement and hope. Now it's my turn. I had a melt down. He'll be in acute rehab for 2-3 weeks which means he will be staying at the hospital. He will also need to have radiation at least 2 weeks after the surgery date. Radiation will make him tired so I'm wondering if it will make his stay longer or if it will be done after. 2 weeks after today will be mid December. I'm due to give birth in the beginning of January. All these thoughts and worries start piling up and I just break down. I spent a good time in the shower just crying out to God. I don't understand His timing. As if this situation with my husband isn't hard enough I have my 19 month old sweet baby girl to worry about, taking care of myself so that baby Amariah is taken care of, and then what the future holds when Amariah comes out--will Jarrod be able to be there during delivery? How will I manage with recovering from giving birth, taking care of a newborn, taking care of and still loving on Hannah, and taking care of my husband? How is Hannah going to take all of this with not seeing daddy for awhile and then not mommy for awhile? All I could do was cry and ask God, "WHY?!" Why now? Why all of this at once? Please don't answer, "God is building your faith." That is not very comforting right now. I'm having what I call my "Garden of Gethsemene" Moment--my GOG moment. Before Jesus was taken to be murdered on the cross, he went to a garden to spend time with the Lord. Was he cheery and excited about this awesome, faith stretching trial that was to come? Um, NO. He had his time of tears. Matthew 26:38 says that his soul was "exceedingly sorrowful, even to death." He even asked that this would pass from him.
As I was crying in the shower, continuing to ask God all the "why's" I remembered what a friend told me a week before surgery. She is going through a major trial with her brother in the hospital because of an ugly fall that has severely injured his brain and function. When she was in the hospital as her brother was having surgery she met a family who's son had just gotten into a horrible accident. That night, that family was told their son was brain dead and they had 12 hours before he was taken off life support so they could say their goodbyes. I remembered her telling me she would much rather have whatever deficit her brother will have just as long as he is ALIVE and still has his mind and personality in tact WHICH he is starting to show that he has. I look at what God has done already in Jarrod and immediately I feel so bad for being so ungrateful. He miraculously took Jarrod's tumor COMPLETELY OUT, he came out of surgery NOT paralyzed, he still is my wonderful Jarrod who loves Jesus, loves me, and makes me laugh. That night after his surgery when he was still woozy and unable to move his arms, I remember he wanted me to scratch his upper lip. He was so out of it but he was able to mumble "upper lip wax" in his funny nail lady accent. I couldn't understand him at first because I wasn't expecting anything but serious feelings. I finally got it and I couldn't stop laughing. He still is JARROD. That in itself is something to smile about. I then remembered the verse in Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." Jesus holds tomorrow. I can't think too far ahead. Tomorrow is too far ahead. God's timing is always perfect. Right now it seems horribly WRONG but I can only see what's right in front of me. He can see the whole picture.
With that said, I've picked myself up from my "GOG Moment" or should I say GOD has picked me up from that low point and has reminded me that we are in His mighty hands. He will give us the strength as we go through each day. It's so funny how different each day has been. One day it's all positive thoughts to the point of thinking of OTHERS, as I said in one of my earlier posts, to a day of total defeat and worry. We are human...sinners saved by grace. Just because you trust in Jesus doesn't mean every day will be roses and lollipops. You will have your moments of clouds and storms but He always manages to bring out the sun and even a rainbow or two. It reminds me of that verse in Psalm 30:5b "...Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." I will go to sleep tonight and wait for that sunrise...
We've had some great moments of triumph but we've also had our difficult moments of defeat. He's not just dealing with trying to gain feeling and movement back in his legs but he's also having to deal with gaining all the other "bodily functions" if you know what I mean. It's been very frustrating for him. It's hard enough having to deal with not walking and moving around the same. Having to struggle with gaining strength to be able to do what we do so naturally (potty) is just an annoying road block. I walked into his room today and I could tell he was upset. I asked him what was going on and he said "I'm so frustrated. I just wanna walk!" Thankfully Pastor Lin and his wife came by that night. They prayed with us and encouraged him that this is JUST day 5. Their visit was very encouraging for him. After his dinner, I gave him a sponge bath, did his hair, and sprayed that icky room with air freshener. I just wanted the night to feel "new" and fresh. I wanted him to feel refreshed physically after being refreshed spiritually/mentally. It really did help. His demeanor was completely different from when I first walked into his room.
By the way, he'll be going to a rehab hospital tomorrow...well actually it's today since it's already almost 1am. This is a victory and defeat at the same time. We're so ecstatic that he will be starting rehab already. It's so many steps closer to our goal of recovery and WALKING. Now here's where the big BUT comes in...the hospital he is being sent to is not close. It's about 45 minutes away from home with no traffic.
I went home tonight feeling okay. I started talking things over with my parents about the things on my mind and what was going on. I started realizing that we really are on a difficult and LONG road. I've been so strong and so positive for Jarrod this whole time. When he's gotten frustrated or worried I've been able to support him with encouragement and hope. Now it's my turn. I had a melt down. He'll be in acute rehab for 2-3 weeks which means he will be staying at the hospital. He will also need to have radiation at least 2 weeks after the surgery date. Radiation will make him tired so I'm wondering if it will make his stay longer or if it will be done after. 2 weeks after today will be mid December. I'm due to give birth in the beginning of January. All these thoughts and worries start piling up and I just break down. I spent a good time in the shower just crying out to God. I don't understand His timing. As if this situation with my husband isn't hard enough I have my 19 month old sweet baby girl to worry about, taking care of myself so that baby Amariah is taken care of, and then what the future holds when Amariah comes out--will Jarrod be able to be there during delivery? How will I manage with recovering from giving birth, taking care of a newborn, taking care of and still loving on Hannah, and taking care of my husband? How is Hannah going to take all of this with not seeing daddy for awhile and then not mommy for awhile? All I could do was cry and ask God, "WHY?!" Why now? Why all of this at once? Please don't answer, "God is building your faith." That is not very comforting right now. I'm having what I call my "Garden of Gethsemene" Moment--my GOG moment. Before Jesus was taken to be murdered on the cross, he went to a garden to spend time with the Lord. Was he cheery and excited about this awesome, faith stretching trial that was to come? Um, NO. He had his time of tears. Matthew 26:38 says that his soul was "exceedingly sorrowful, even to death." He even asked that this would pass from him.
As I was crying in the shower, continuing to ask God all the "why's" I remembered what a friend told me a week before surgery. She is going through a major trial with her brother in the hospital because of an ugly fall that has severely injured his brain and function. When she was in the hospital as her brother was having surgery she met a family who's son had just gotten into a horrible accident. That night, that family was told their son was brain dead and they had 12 hours before he was taken off life support so they could say their goodbyes. I remembered her telling me she would much rather have whatever deficit her brother will have just as long as he is ALIVE and still has his mind and personality in tact WHICH he is starting to show that he has. I look at what God has done already in Jarrod and immediately I feel so bad for being so ungrateful. He miraculously took Jarrod's tumor COMPLETELY OUT, he came out of surgery NOT paralyzed, he still is my wonderful Jarrod who loves Jesus, loves me, and makes me laugh. That night after his surgery when he was still woozy and unable to move his arms, I remember he wanted me to scratch his upper lip. He was so out of it but he was able to mumble "upper lip wax" in his funny nail lady accent. I couldn't understand him at first because I wasn't expecting anything but serious feelings. I finally got it and I couldn't stop laughing. He still is JARROD. That in itself is something to smile about. I then remembered the verse in Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." Jesus holds tomorrow. I can't think too far ahead. Tomorrow is too far ahead. God's timing is always perfect. Right now it seems horribly WRONG but I can only see what's right in front of me. He can see the whole picture.
With that said, I've picked myself up from my "GOG Moment" or should I say GOD has picked me up from that low point and has reminded me that we are in His mighty hands. He will give us the strength as we go through each day. It's so funny how different each day has been. One day it's all positive thoughts to the point of thinking of OTHERS, as I said in one of my earlier posts, to a day of total defeat and worry. We are human...sinners saved by grace. Just because you trust in Jesus doesn't mean every day will be roses and lollipops. You will have your moments of clouds and storms but He always manages to bring out the sun and even a rainbow or two. It reminds me of that verse in Psalm 30:5b "...Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." I will go to sleep tonight and wait for that sunrise...
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Day 2
I'm writing as Jarrod is sleeping PEACEFULLY. He's still in the ICU but he's making HUGE progress. It seems to get better and better. He went from working and straining so hard to move his toes to now moving them without the strain AND moving his knees and lifting his legs an inch or two. He's also moving his arms a lot more. He can scratch his own nose and feed himself better. When dinner comes tonight I'll try to see how much more he can do to feed himself.
He is such an amazing man. Late last night he was so exhausted from all the visitors. They also gave him some pain meds before they moved his body to switch positions so he was just a zombie. After I washed him up and brushed his teeth he wanted to pray. He started by thanking God for the miracles and accomplishments. He started dozing off and was quiet for a bit. He then opened his eyes and asked "Who should we pray for?!" It caught me off guard. I was ready to jump in and ask the Lord for continued healing and recovery for him but instead he wanted to pray for OTHERS. He mentioned my aunt--my dad's sister who is battling cancer, our good friend's baby boy who is sick, and a list of other people that slowly came to his mind. I was so touched by that. Even though he could barely make out the prayers because he was falling asleep he thought of OTHERS and didn't even think of himself. What a man. I am so blessed to be married to such a hard working provider, a loving husband and father, a protector, a fighter (in the sense of recovering not bam bam), but most of all a strong and humble man of God. Even though he's just been laying in a hospital bed all day and night, I see him stronger than ever before.
He is such an amazing man. Late last night he was so exhausted from all the visitors. They also gave him some pain meds before they moved his body to switch positions so he was just a zombie. After I washed him up and brushed his teeth he wanted to pray. He started by thanking God for the miracles and accomplishments. He started dozing off and was quiet for a bit. He then opened his eyes and asked "Who should we pray for?!" It caught me off guard. I was ready to jump in and ask the Lord for continued healing and recovery for him but instead he wanted to pray for OTHERS. He mentioned my aunt--my dad's sister who is battling cancer, our good friend's baby boy who is sick, and a list of other people that slowly came to his mind. I was so touched by that. Even though he could barely make out the prayers because he was falling asleep he thought of OTHERS and didn't even think of himself. What a man. I am so blessed to be married to such a hard working provider, a loving husband and father, a protector, a fighter (in the sense of recovering not bam bam), but most of all a strong and humble man of God. Even though he's just been laying in a hospital bed all day and night, I see him stronger than ever before.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Jarrod's request
Jarrod is very exhausted. He appreciated everyone that came out to see him today but it was a little too much for him being the first day. He is asking if everyone can let him rest tomorrow and not come. After tomorrow if you would like to visit, please set up a time with us first. Sorry if it sounds a little mean. He was just a little overwhelmed today. He is doing great. He looks like Jarrod again. He is just very tired and would like a full day to rest.
Thank you all for your prayers, encouragement, and support. We are both so grateful for ALL of you! You all have been amazing. See you soon when Jarrod is better rested and ready to crack his jokes again. we love you all!!!
Thank you all for your prayers, encouragement, and support. We are both so grateful for ALL of you! You all have been amazing. See you soon when Jarrod is better rested and ready to crack his jokes again. we love you all!!!
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