Waiting for the sunrise

Jarrod has been making awesome progress. He had his first (short) physical therapy session on Monday. They tried to help him stand but he's not at that point yet. His legs have been moving more though. His left leg has been weaker than his right but just yesterday he was able to bend it on his own. That was a major accomplishment. I was so proud of him. I felt like running up and down the halls and doing cart wheels but this gigantic belly of mine kept me at just a "WOOHOO" with my hands dancing in the air. He's trying to start doing everything on his own now. He's been feeding himself with no problem and has even been moving side to side instead of the nurses log rolling him as they were before. He's fighting and fighting hard. He's not one to feel sorry for himself.

We've had some great moments of triumph but we've also had our difficult moments of defeat. He's not just dealing with trying to gain feeling and movement back in his legs but he's also having to deal with gaining all the other "bodily functions" if you know what I mean. It's been very frustrating for him. It's hard enough having to deal with not walking and moving around the same. Having to struggle with gaining strength to be able to do what we do so naturally (potty) is just an annoying road block. I walked into his room today and I could tell he was upset. I asked him what was going on and he said "I'm so frustrated. I just wanna walk!" Thankfully Pastor Lin and his wife came by that night. They prayed with us and encouraged him that this is JUST day 5. Their visit was very encouraging for him. After his dinner, I gave him a sponge bath, did his hair, and sprayed that icky room with air freshener. I just wanted the night to feel "new" and fresh. I wanted him to feel refreshed physically after being refreshed spiritually/mentally. It really did help. His demeanor was completely different from when I first walked into his room.

By the way, he'll be going to a rehab hospital tomorrow...well actually it's today since it's already almost 1am. This is a victory and defeat at the same time. We're so ecstatic that he will be starting rehab already. It's so many steps closer to our goal of recovery and WALKING. Now here's where the big BUT comes in...the hospital he is being sent to is not close. It's about 45 minutes away from home with no traffic.

I went home tonight feeling okay. I started talking things over with my parents about the things on my mind and what was going on. I started realizing that we really are on a difficult and LONG road. I've been so strong and so positive for Jarrod this whole time. When he's gotten frustrated or worried I've been able to support him with encouragement and hope. Now it's my turn. I had a melt down. He'll be in acute rehab for 2-3 weeks  which means he will be staying at the hospital. He will also need to have radiation at least 2 weeks after the surgery date. Radiation will make him tired so I'm wondering if it will make his stay longer or if it will be done after. 2 weeks after today will be mid December. I'm due to give birth in the beginning of January. All these thoughts and worries start piling up and I just break down. I spent a good time in the shower just crying out to God. I don't understand His timing. As if this situation with my husband isn't hard enough I have my 19 month old sweet baby girl to worry about, taking care of myself so that baby Amariah is taken care of, and then what the future holds when Amariah comes out--will Jarrod be able to be there during delivery? How will I manage with recovering from giving birth, taking care of a newborn, taking care of and still loving on Hannah, and taking care of my husband? How is Hannah going to take all of this with not seeing daddy for awhile and then not mommy for awhile? All I could do was cry and ask God, "WHY?!" Why now? Why all of this at once? Please don't answer, "God is building your faith." That is not very comforting right now. I'm having what I call my "Garden of Gethsemene" Moment--my GOG moment. Before Jesus was taken to be murdered on the cross, he went to a garden to spend time with the Lord. Was he cheery and excited about this awesome, faith stretching trial that was to come? Um, NO. He had his time of tears. Matthew 26:38 says that his soul was "exceedingly sorrowful, even to death." He even asked that this would pass from him.

As I was crying in the shower, continuing to ask God all the "why's" I remembered what a friend told me a week before surgery. She is going through a major trial with her brother in the hospital because of an ugly fall that has severely injured his brain and function. When she was in the hospital as her brother was having surgery she met a family who's son had just gotten into a horrible accident. That night, that family was told their son was brain dead and they had 12 hours before he was taken off life support so they could say their goodbyes. I remembered her telling me she would much rather have whatever deficit her brother will have just as long as he is ALIVE and still has his mind and personality in tact WHICH he is starting to show that he has. I look at what God has done already in Jarrod and immediately I feel so bad for being so ungrateful. He miraculously took Jarrod's tumor COMPLETELY OUT, he came out of surgery NOT paralyzed, he still is my wonderful Jarrod who loves Jesus, loves me, and makes me laugh. That night after his surgery when he was still woozy and unable to move his arms, I remember he wanted me to scratch his upper lip. He was so out of it but he was able to mumble "upper lip wax" in his funny nail lady accent. I couldn't understand him at first because I wasn't expecting anything but serious feelings. I finally got it and I couldn't stop laughing. He still is JARROD. That in itself is something to smile about. I then remembered the verse in Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." Jesus holds tomorrow. I can't think too far ahead. Tomorrow is too far ahead. God's timing is always perfect. Right now it seems horribly WRONG but I can only see what's right in front of me. He can see the whole picture.

With that said, I've picked myself up from my "GOG Moment" or should I say GOD has picked me up from that low point and has reminded me that we are in His mighty hands. He will give us the strength as we go through each day. It's so funny how different each day has been. One day it's all positive thoughts to the point of thinking of OTHERS, as I said in one of my earlier posts, to a day of total defeat and worry. We are human...sinners saved by grace. Just because you trust in Jesus doesn't mean every day will be roses and lollipops. You will have your moments of clouds and storms but He always manages to bring out the sun and even a rainbow or two. It reminds me of that verse in Psalm 30:5b "...Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." I will go to sleep tonight and wait for that sunrise...