So many updates so little time...

LONG time no write! Me oh my has it been a long time since I've written. So much has happened since the last time I wrote. I probably should have read my last post before writing a new one but I figured I better just start writing or something or someone will interrupt.

I'll start from November of last year. Last November we celebrated Jarrod's one year since surgery. We put together a huge celebration of life party at our new church, Calvary Chapel Pomona Valley (oh wait, maybe I should have back tracked a little further. i'll get back to that). The turn out was awesome. So many people came. Jarrod and I made a slide show of the fundraiser, the day he went in for surgery, his hospital stay, my ginormous pregnant belly, his return home, the birth of Amariah, etc. It was a tear jerker--for me anyway. We were so blessed to have so many people come and celebrate with us. Knowing you're not alone through times like we've had makes these trials so much easier to walk through.

Now, on to our church change... My good friend invited me to attend her church's women's Bible study over the summer last year. Since Chino Hills wasn't doing one at the time, I decided to join. Her church also had a men's bible study class the same night so Jarrod went to that also. We still went to Chino HIlls on Sundays but started to consider Pomona because we started falling in love with the people there. With MUCH prayer we decided to try it out for a month and see where God led us. We stuck with it a month and made the change. We LOVE Chino Hills and LOVE everyone there. They have supported us and have helped carry us through our most difficult time. We love Pastor Jack and his teachings. We didn't leave because of any bad feelings. We just wanted to go somewhere smaller. There is such a family feel at Pomona. The four of us were welcomed with wide open arms and were made a part of the family right away. Chino Hills is so special to us and we still feel connected there but as of now God has us at Pomona and we're happy here too. I sing with my two good friends for the women's bible study and Jarrod is helping with their Tuesday night kid's club and Sunday morning parking lot ministry. Yeah that's right, parking lot ministry! Cane and all! I love that he's a part of that. He let's nothing stop him.

In January we celebrated Amariah's first birthday. We had a cute little breakfast buffet/cereal bar type party. She's our little sunshine so her bday theme was "You are my sunshine." The weather was gorgeous and our loved ones were there to celebrate with us. There was no fussing from our little fiesty firecracker that day and Hannah loved celebrating her sissy so it was a great 1st birthday for her. We also stopped her acid reflux medication around that time and she has been doing so well without it. I think she might have grown out of it, thank God. Jarrod also started back at work. The same company where he worked before surgery welcomed him back. They have been so amazing. They have done so much for our family. We are so grateful for them. He works three days a week there. He's been loving it. He is such a hard working man. He had been aching to go back since the day after surgery. He's the type of man that wants to work hard for his family to give us the best life possible so for him to not be able to work was a big struggle for him. He loves that he can now treat us out to dinner or bring me home some flowers.

He was doing outpatient therapy for a little bit but after about two months we realized it wasn't doing anything for him. They were more for people who sprained their ankle or was injured in a small accident. They weren't familiar with Jarrod's case and just wasn't the place for him to get closer to walking without a cane. We prayed and prayed about what to do and where to go. We have a friend at our bible study who is a...uhh...sport's rehab trainer(?) I have no clue what he's called but you get the idea. (Sorry Jordan!) He offered to work with Jarrod once a week. We love it because it's one on one, no co-pay, and Jarrod can get some fellowship in there at the same time. We're so blessed to have friends like that to support us and give us their time to help us. Who does that?! Maybe once or twice people help someone out but we've been getting continual support. That amazes me the most. I had a conversation with my neighbor about that awhile ago. In December, someone gave us a check for a very generous amount. I was telling my neighbor how shocked I was that people still think about us--that we're not forgotten. Her response brought tears to my eyes. She said "Because God hasn't forgotten." That's where all this love and support stems from--God alone. He hasn't forgotten us. So often people just get busy. Life gets in the way and you see people who had once gone through a difficult time start to live normally and you think "Okay, theyre good." It's sad but it's understandable. We do it too. God never forgets. He sees what the outside  doesn't see. He sees that we still struggle. He sees that I still carry a lot on my shoulders. He sees the frustration Jarrod still goes through. He sees the hidden tears we still cry. He STILL comes through for us even when it looks okay on the outside. Thank you, Jesus.

February was pretty calm and quiet. Jarrod had an MRI scan that month that came back clean (YAY JESUS!). We also started to plan for our 6th year anniversary which was the next month.

March came and on the 2nd of that month we were hit with another whirlwind. Jarrod went to wake up Amariah that morning for breakfast and when he went in there he knew something was wrong. She was hunched over her legs laying limp. He picked her up and she was pale and not moving. I was in the bedroom changing out of my work clothes and he came in freaked out. I picked her up, she gasped for air, and started turning blue. I layed her down and stripped her naked and was ready to do CPR but she was breathing. I hate saying this but she looked like a dead body still breathing. She wasn't responding, crying, or moving. She was just blue, white, dry, and lifeless. We called 911 and our neighbors who work for the LAPD. All of a sudden the color started coming back and she started to respond to us. By the time the ambulance came, she was fine. The only thing different was she couldn't stand or walk. They wanted to take her to the hospital but we decided to take her ourselves to avoid the ambulance bill. We went to to the hospital, ran tests, and found nothing. They transferred us to Huntington Memorial Hospital--the same hospital Jarrod was at for a month. We stayed overnight so they could observe her and still found nothing. We saw a neurologist after that, had an EEG, and still nothing. 3 weeks went by and she had another episode. I called her primary care doctor this time to ask if i should go to the ER. He suggested to see him first just as long as she's breathing. We did and gave us an urgent referral to see a different neurologist. We saw him and liked him much better than the last neuro we saw. He was much more thorough, informative, and baby friendly. Since then we've had another EEG and will have to have an MRI which is scheduled for Friday, the 19th. Since she's still a baby she will have to be sedated for the MRI because she will need to be completely still.

When this first happened, I was in such...shock I guess you could say. I wasn't really worried or sad. I actually started to feel bad because I wasn't. I even said some things to a couple people as if i were worried because I felt bad that I really wasn't. Silly, I know.  Then today when the hospital called to schedule the MRI, it became more real. I started to cry. I hate that my little baby has to go through all of this. When Jarrod went through it we could talk it out, pray, be encouraged but she can't understand what's going on and we can't explain anything to her. It kills me inside.

The other day I went on a run and was just praying about everything that's going on with Amariah. I asked for God to lessen the load a bit because it started feeling kinda heavy. Then I remembered Jarrod's scan that came back clean and thanked Him for it. Then I started remembering a list of things that have happened that I was thankful for and I realized all these things were God's way of "lessening the load." Then God spoke to my heart and said "I already lessened the load on the cross." AYE! MY HEART! It would have been more than enough if all God did was send His Son to die in my place so I could be free but He's done so much more than that! Jesus conquered death, gave the gift of salvation, AND THEN gave me life, an AMAZING husband, two beautiful girls, wonderful friends, and so much more. Those are all extras! I don't deserve ANY of that but He blessed me anyway because He loves me. Any trial that comes in between that is nothing compared to what I really deserve. These trials we've been getting hit with have been made so much smaller when I look at life in that perspective. It's so freeing. I feel like the load has been lifted. Now I'm trying to just enjoy all these "extra's" God has so blessed me with while I have them and taking these "hits" with His supernatural strength. There will be a day when there will be no "hits" and we can enjoy our blessings without them. That day will come soon enough. Until then may these trials continue to shape us and create in us character that a simple happy slappy day just can't do.

Amariah's MRI is next Friday. Please keep her and our family in your prayers. After the results come back from the MRI, we'll see the neurologist and he'll go over all the results. I'll kee ya posted. ;) There are lots more that has happened  (good things) but I'll have to save that for the next post.

Don't ever doubt God

The end of this month and the beginning of next is really rough financially. We're in a very weird spot right now. Jarrod cannot go back to work even if he could because we are still waiting for the approval of SSDI. We're collecting disability as of now and they will discontinue paying you if you go back to work. SSDI has a return to work program but they still haven't given us an approval or disapproval--it's been 4 months now. I also have not worked lately so there's been no extra income. It's been rough. We've been praying and waiting, praying and waiting. Nothing. We'd go through doubt and thoughts like "What are we doing wrong?!" I'd even think things like "Ok, God where are you? You said you'd take care of us and I'm still waiting." Ew, what a brat. Doesn't that sound so ugly?! I then realized I calculated things wrong and we were in even MORE need than I thought before. GREAT. I thought things would get better, not worse! We thought about doing a yard sale, selling things on Ebay, and tapping into our savings.We've been stressed about it and have tried to think of everything we could do. We even decided to have me go back to work M-F which is SUCH a difficult thing for me to do right now. I want to cry just thinking about it. I start Sep 5th but it won't be in enough time to pay the bills due before that paycheck. God's been speaking to us about seeking HIS kingdom and righteousness FIRST and everything we need will be taken care of. For me personally, He's been teaching me that it's NOT ABOUT ME. My daily prayer has been more of Him and less of ME. We get so caught up in ME, ME, ME. That's why we worry so much. We're too caught up in ourselves. I didn't think I was. I thought I had a justifiable excuse to worry. "Well, my family needs to eat. I need to pay the water bill so we have water to drink and be able to take baths." Jesus said: Matthew 6:25-34 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

You read that and it speaks to you for a minute. Then you remember your bills, gas to put in your car, food for your family, clothes for your constantly growing children, etc. and you doubt those words.

Jarrod received a call late last night that he missed. If any of you know Jarrod you know that he doesn't answer his phone or return phone calls. For some reason he called back this unknown number. It was a guy from men's ministry who wanted to know if he was going to come this morning to church. I don't think jarrod planned on going but because someone thought enough of him to call he decided to go. He came home from church a little late this morning but came back with an iced coffee and a card for ME. I opened the card and it was from Jarrod. It was a sweet lovey dovey card and at the end he put "God is faithful to provide. Thank you Jesus." Inside the envelope was a check for the EXACT amount we needed for the rest of August's bills. Hello, tears!

Being a Christian doesn't mean life becomes perfect and sweet and you turn into this positive little fairy. God even says he sends rain on the just and the unjust. BUT He promises to take care of His beloved children. He doesn't want us to be anxious and worried. He wants us to come to Him, give Him our worries, and trust Him that He will come through IN HIS TIMING.

I pray that I, WE never forget that He ALWAYS comes through for us. I pray that I stop myself when tempted to focus on ME again. He loves us more than we can even fathom.

Unexpected Tears

Today was a busy day. This morning we drove to Brea to get the hand controls installed in our car (WOOHOO!). We waited a good 4 hours but it was oh so worth it. Jarrod can't legally drive it yet though. He needs to take the DMV tests first. He had a hearing with a DMV officer on Monday where he basically had to tell and show them he is who he says he is and that he is telling the truth about his condition. Right, like anyone would gain anything by lying about a story like this. After that we had a check up with his neurosurgeon. I really just expected to go in and go out like we do at most of his appointments. I was actually annoyed because the doctor had a student "surgeon(?)" with him, following him around. She kept nodding her head and saying "absolutely" when there was no reason for that adverb. I started spacing out as they were speaking in doctor tongue and I had a flashback of the first time we sat in that room. I remembered the anxiety we felt of not knowing what to expect and not even knowing what exactly was wrong with Jarrod. I remembered the shock that hit us when he said "malignant tumor." I remember the uncontrollable tears that bursted out when I saw my husband, my best friend, and my rock cry and ask questions like "Is this cancer? Am I going to be paralyzed?" I remembered the fear that made me feel like throwing up. I remembered the sadness. There we were 8 months later with the same surgeon that brought us the devastating news now saying "The recent MRI has no sign of tumor and everything looks great." Jarrod even asked him how he thinks his progression is going and he responded by saying "Well look at you--you're walking. You're doing great." He's walking. I felt a tidal wave of tears well up and try to burst it's way through but I was fighting it. I saved it for the car ride ride home. My walking miracle is walking with a cane, yes, but his legs are mobile and he is getting stronger. The surgeon couldn't guarantee us that in that first meeting. He couldn't guarantee he would be able to take out all of the tumor, or if he would make it out alive, or if he would become a paraplegic or not, or if it would ever come back--NOTHING. There he was standing upright with his cane against the wall, listening to the words "No sign of tumor." I did not expect to get this emotional. It was just a check up. I was reminded again of how serious this really is. You almost forget about it as you get busy with daily life. I was reminded of where we could have been. I was reminded of God's faithfulness and incredible grace to spare us from living a much more difficult life and sparing ME from being alone. I was reminded of the miracle. I was reminded of my husband's attitude to fight hard. I was reminded of how God and our surgeon changed our lives forever. We are loved by an incredible God who continues to prove Himself and His love for us through His miracles, His grace, His mysterious way of turning our sadness into joy, and through wonderful people who continue to love on us. We're more than grateful for where we are right now. I'm so glad I didn't walk out of that doctors office the same busy Nicole. I'm glad I was REMINDED to appreciate life, God, and the gracious treasures He has lovingly given us. Help me Lord to never forget this.

God lovingly provides

"He loves us. Ohhhh how he loves us. Ohhhh how he loves us. Ohhhh how he loooooves..." That song continues to play over and over in my head. God again has shown His faithfulness by giving us the finances to get the hand controls installed in our car. He never gets tired of taking care of us. Originally we just wanted it to help Jarrod gain more independence, go back to work, and to take himself to his appointments. I didn't realize exactly what God did when He gave us the last amount needed to reach the goal.

We had several hundred to go and the fundraising site had been quiet for a few days. Honestly, I was starting to think it just wasn't time yet. Today when we received the amount needed, I broke down and just cried. I felt like a GIGANTIC weight was lifted off my shoulders. It may not seem like a huge deal but for me driving is just not my friend. Before the surgery, the only time I would really drive is around town and maybe to the beach. Otherwise Jarrod ALWAYS drove. I get road rage and anxiety when I drive. It's really very stressful for me. Plus, even just getting the family out the door to start doesn't help set the mood for my driving experience. We're late to everything we go to which adds to the stress as well. Long drives home are awful because after a long day at wherever we're at the girls fall asleep in the car which gives them energy when we stop and I want to nap. I didn't realize how much driving really affected me until we received that last amount needed for Jarrod's hand controls. I would pray for the hand controls for JARROD. God oh so lovingly gave me a huge embrace saying "Nicole, just come to me. I know even without you telling me that you've been weary and burdened. I will give you rest." (Matt 11:28). And here is where I cry and the guitar starts to play and we sing "He loves us. Ohhhh how He loves us..."

Thank you, Jesus.

We also want to thank those of you who have prayed for us and who have contributed. We are MORE than grateful for you. You have blessed us more than we can describe. Your support, friendship, and prayers are so treasured. We love you!

Fundraiser for Jarrod's Vehicle Hand Controls

Fundraiser for Jarrod's Vehicle Hand Controls

Fundraiser for Jarrod's Vehicle Hand Controls

We created a fundraiser through "Fundrazr" and Paypal to raise money for Jarrod's vehicle hand controls. Please follow the link to read the "whys" and prayerfully consider or just continue to keep this request in your prayers. Thank you all. We love you! http://fnd.us/c/5Koy1

Another Chapter Finished

Radiation is finally FINISHED! The nurses and doctors even gave Jarrod a cute little certificate of completion and balloons. I wanted to take a picture but I didn't want to embarress him and make him feel like a little kid graduating from elementary school or something. He really hasn't had any side effects from the radiation. He's been a tad tired but nothing that hinders his daily life. His skin in that area where the radiation hit is tan but nothing else really. We're so grateful he hasn't experienced anything else. There was a list of possible side effects but he hasn't experienced any of them, thank God. We want to thank the awesome men of Calvary Chapel Chino Hills who gave up a couple hours each week to take Jarrod to get his radiation. We're so grateful for you guys!

Sadly, our home health rehab group is also finished with us too. We developed friendships with his occupational therapist, physical therapist, and social worker. I fought back tears when each one left. They became such a major part of our everyday life for awhile. They helped push and give us the confidence we now have. We will miss them. We ARE happy though that they felt comfortable enough to end therapy with us. They felt Jarrod was at a good enough place where we didn't need them anymore. That in itself is a huge encouragement.

Jarrod is now walking around in public with a straight cane and at home with NOTHING AT ALL. He's been doing so much lately. During his last week of physical therapy with Rehab Without Walls, his physical therapist took him to a few trails around Chino Hills to prepare him for our weekend of camping where there was a trail to get down to the beach from the camp site. We went last weekend and he did amazing. HE packed up the car with our stuff, unloaded, packed it back in the car when we were leaving and unloaded again at home. He's also been doing things to push himself like having me park farther when we go places so he can walk more. The home health therapists also left him with the ability to take care of BOTH of the girls while I'm not there. They really wanted to make sure he achieved that before they ended. He has accomplished it wonderfully. Of course he still puts the girls shirts on backwards or puts Amariah's outfit on Hannah or forgets a dirty diaper on the side of the couch but I think that's just a man thing. He would do that regardless. ;) I even went back to work (hopefully for JUST the summer) as a sub and he takes care of the girls while I am gone. I'm amazed at how far he's come. For awhile he struggled because he couldn't do a lot of things. Jarrod is such a hard worker--a true manly man so to not be able to do things around the house that a man normally does was really difficult for him especially when I had to be the one to do it. I am such a girly girl. I was the one that never did sports or never went in the backyard because it had bugs. Watching me do things because he couldn't was weird, difficult, and funny all at the same time. Now he's doing almost everything. The other day I came home with a car load of groceries. I came in to bring the first load and went back and there he was with the rest of the groceries on both arms. My manly man. How I have waited for this. I'm tearing up as I write this. I was never sure if he would ever return to "normal." I wasn't sure if I would forever have to be the "stronger" one to do all the "man" work. I'm not wired that way and he's not wired to watch me be that. He's not completely back to "normal" but he is learning new ways to do things. I'm so proud of him. He hasn't given into self pity. He hasn't given up. He doesn't allow himself to be stagnant or idle. He is a fighter and to me a winner and my hero.

We successfully ended another chapter and are gearing up for yet another one. Pray God guides us and continues to give us strength and wisdom. There are some decisions coming up that we need to make so we'd appreciate your prayers. Pray for continued healing and recovery. Pray God continues to shape us and our girls through this time in our life and always. Pray He continues to use us and our story to help and encourage people. Pray for continued provision. Thank you!